this is where i regress.

This is what is wrong: we, only we, the humans, can retreat from ourselves and/ not be/ altogether here./ We can be part full, only part, and not die. We can be in and out of here, now,/ at once, and not die. The little song, the little river, has banks. We can pull up/ and sit on the banks. We can pull back/ from the being of our bodies, we can live in a/ portion of them, we can be absent, no one can tell. ----Jorrie Graham, Other (From Overlord, a collection of poems) --- i've been asleep all my life, refusing darkness in exchange of light's different illusions. i have tried to outdistance myself, but one can never outdistance what runs within. i am falling backwards, and that explains the wasted energy that should have been used to propel me forward, to greater heights. i am a dream-chaser. i am chasing my old dreams. i am grateful for what i have but what i have is still not what i want. i am poised for taking--- taking those things i need and want. what i am referring to is a life of art. film school or writing school. desire must not be misunderstood as lust. desire is passion for something, passion for life, more specifically. --- i am simply misunderstood. or, more aptly, no one gets me. people say they do. but oh, that's just the surface. people (even those who are close to me)do not know who i am. this is because i am a pretender, a charlatan. --- there is only one person who is capable of understanding me in a personal level. all the rest understands me in a cold, objective way. --- i hate oversimplification. i hate conformity. i hate binary opposition. i hate structure. i hate power. i hate domesticity. i hate myths. i hate lies. i live for truths, no matter how short the span of time they are valid. --- all in all, i am tired of running away from myself. i am tired of stopping myself from happening. i am tired of being accommodating. i live for selfishness. this doesn't mean complete disregard for others. this means speaking my mind. i am tired of being agreeable. --- the first thing we were taught was to fear: i am slowly learning to look fear face to face. the second thing we were taught was to follow and not ask questions: it is impossibile not to ask questions. the universe and this world is made out of questions and we can only know and understand things through questioning. --- dependency is a curse. humans are essentially dependent. they depend on this world. we must not be attached; nothing here will keep us alive. this is what i am learning: detachment, letting go in exchange of lightheartedness and freedom.

what i fear the most is my own indolence. i can be really complacent sometimes, and this might cause the prevalent pattern of my life, which usually leads to stagnation. i haven't graduated from college yet, but i couldn't help but feel rather small, if not entirely useless to this world. it's not that i see myself as someone who can be "grand." i just feel so small and this puts limits to myself. this causes my laziness. i do not wish to continue with my life this way. why am i so weak-willed? why have i become so....hopeless about things? *** if people are indeed true to their signs, being gemini sucks. there's constantly a battle in my head because of my two oppossing facets and i never get anywhere because of this. *** peace of mind, come to me now.

People have been coming to me lately, speaking of unfortunate circumstances that are taking over their lives. It makes me wonder if this has got something to do with the season. Rain has been pouring nonstop and it makes me think that the universe is intentionally coinciding with my friends’ (and my) life-events, thus its rather heavy outpour. I wonder if all these will stop when the sun shines. It’s quite a stupid thing to think, but I can’t help but be curious.

i recall the time when my friends and i debated over the most important thing on earth: where to have lunch was our constant debate, and that's how we spent a lot of our time.

that was 1st year college. we were clueless boys and girls, fresh out of high school.

 looking at us now is a different story: in a span of five years, a lot has changed. what we talk about now are really grown up things, such as finding a job, moving out of our parents' houses...marriage would even turn up in our conversations, though most of us would most likely settle down at 30.

the responsibility of things is just overwhelming. i will be graduating this december, and i will have to make really really tough choices. i miss the days when i had no problems. "maturing" frightens me now. i mean, it's forcing me to step our of my comfort zones.

 

such a big world, and i'm just a wisp of a girl.

 

1.)        Sometimes I just wish you’d tell me you no longer love me so I can just leave. Because I can’t leave on my own. I need that extra push--- I don’t care whether it’s violent or gentle or whatever. Just push me. I just need to be told that I’m no longer wanted or needed so I can go. Yes, I’m very stubborn: I’m not being driven away so why should I go? You’re keeping me here because you tell me you want to keep me here. You like me where I am and you like where you are.

2.)        But there are days when I can no longer stand it. I’m not one who derives pleasure from counting my sacrifices, but I couldn’t help but feel empty as of now. Defeated, even. Why? Because you’re still in love with her. And because you told me you love me but you’re not in love with me. And  because I know you know you can still have her. I mean, she’s still crazy about you. You’re the love of her life; her first love.

3.)        It also doesn’t help that you tell me that you become each other at times. You lose me everyday, my dear--- When you mention her name, when you tell me how happy you were (and you tell me that you’ve been happier---with her), when your face lights up when you recall the brightness you saw in her eyes---You lose me little by little. I wish you’d lose me completely, but you still manage to be kind. You still manage to save yourself. When I feel like being separate from you, you suddenly grab me back. But my darling, it makes me tired, oh so tired. And I hate it because I don’t care I’m tired.

4.)        Sometimes I think you’re such a liar. Why—I mean, how could you love me? Sometimes I think you just want me here for your own convenience, because you’re afraid of what I might do. Or maybe you’re afraid that this might blow up in your face. Sometimes I think I really hate you. For all this. Sometimes I wish I did hate you. I really really wish it were easy to hate you, but I love you too much to hate you.

5.)        I hate this.

6.)        Why am I hopeful? I’m hopeful because I see changes. I’m hopeful because we’ve gone so far. I’m hopeful because we are willing to endure “pain.” Sorry, I don’t know what else to call it.